By MAX ASHBURN
Observer Staff

There is an uncanny parallel between the plot of “Awake,” the new film starring Hayden Christensen and Jessica Alba, and the experience of being in the audience for said movie. 

In the film, the main character, a young billionaire played by Christensen, experiences a phenomenon known as anesthesia awareness while undergoing a heart transplant. He is conscious of what is happening, hears what’s being said around him and feels pain as his sternum is sawed open. However, because of the paralytic effects of the anesthesia he can’t communicate his pain to anyone, only scream with his inner voice, “It’s only pain, focus!” 

As an audience member you start to sympathize with Christensen’s character about 10 minutes into the movie. You’re aware of what’s happening on the screen, you want to get up and leave but you’re paralyzed by the thought of walking out on a movie you just paid $10 for. You want to yell out and vent your frustrations to the world, but you’re keenly aware of the theater’s no-talking policy so your wails of agony stay trapped inside your head. 

“Awake” wasn’t screened for critics prior to its release, which is generally an admission by the studio that the film is really bad and is likely to get panned. My guess is that the film’s distributors are hoping that the movie makes its money back on opening weekend, as droves of young males turn out in hopes of seeing Alba in some stage of undress, before the film quickly exits theaters. 

Speaking of Alba, she is, in fact, a lovely creature but a terribly limited actor. Possibly the only actor more stilted than Alba is Christensen, whose wooden appearance and monotone delivery have characterized his performances in films like “Shattered Glass” and the recent “Star Wars” trilogy. 

The script is ludicrous and exploitative, the dialogue is trite and laughable, and the characters are shallow and underdeveloped. Christensen’s absurd inner dialogue during the surgery scene elicited several bursts of laughter from the audience, despite the gruesome action being carried out on screen.  Even Robert DeNiro and Helen Mirren, if cast in the movie, couldn’t rescue it.

Mercifully, “Awake” clocks in at an astoundingly short 75 minutes, shorter than the first act of “Gone With the Wind.”  Still, you’ll find yourself regularly checking your watch and crying out silently, “Why can’t anyone hear me … oh God … when will this torture end?”